Week 31 Update

This is my last week of school. Only three more days! While I will miss my students, I am really glad to be near the end. I have begun to feel really uncomfortable in the last two weeks. In the evenings I can barely walk because my belly hurts so much. I plan to take a lot of time off using sick days I have saved and 12 weeks of Family Medical Leave. I do not plan on returning to work until mid-April.

Our completed preparations:  Finished all baby classes: we went through infant CPR and a  breastfeeding class last week. Ordered organic mattresses and bedding. They have arrived and fit snugly! Go bag mostly packed. We had the car seats installed at the hospital by the Safe Kids people.

Still to do: Thank you cards. Baby books (Happiest Baby on the Block, etc.) need to be finished.

Babies: Lots of movement! They move the most when I am hungry, which is pretty entertaining. When I am done eating, they quiet down as if in some sort of food coma. We had a growth ultrasound today and Jackson is still head down. He weighs in at 4lbs 4oz and is in the 58% percentile. William is breech and weighs in at 4lbs 11oz and is in the 72% percentile.  The doctor is pleased and hopes we make it to the third week in December.

Symptoms: Back ache and hip pain are getting worse. Belly pain including tightness, ligament pain, and rib pain.

What I miss: hair spray! Heston.

Embracing the Baby Joy

In the wake of any loss, life begins again as it must. And life has been full of a lot a baby joy as well. Since September we have been really busy trying to prepare for these two little boys.

We have had two baby showers, both thrown by some incredible friends who cannot be thanked enough. Our first was family and friends and could not have been more perfect and we could not have felt more loved. The second shower was at school with co-workers, parents, and kids. Again, we were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and generosity from the people in our lives. 

All-in-all we were able to make all of our big purchases with gift cards, etc. With all of the financial aspects of our high-risk pregnancy and travel expenses, this has been God given. 

My dad was here for five days in October and I made him my baby slave. He painted the baby room, installed the closet, helped me sort, fold and track a positive mountain of baby clothes, and he helped me deep clean the fridge and pantry (two items I was unable to dream of doing this summer while I was feeling so dreadful). The help was awesome and really took a load off of Brian. 

We also had maternity photos taken by an amazing local photographer. I have not seen all of the proofs yet, but we are really pleased at how she was able to capture the baby belly.

Brian and I have spent several weekends shopping and assembling baby items to complete the nursery. It is pretty much ready right now. Brian likes to leave the lamp on when we are home so that when he walks by, he can see it. 

I am back to work full time teaching and have been for about three weeks. It is going well. The kids are great and they keep me lively. I am definitely tired at the end of each day, but it is manageable. I plan on working up until Thanksgiving break, which is two more weeks. I think I will tap out at that point. I want to be careful and not push things too much. My bosses have been great and ridiculously accommodating. 

As far as due dates go, we are still technically due Jan 18^th. Though, of course, this still does not apply with twins, which are term anywhere between 36-38 weeks. So, we are looking at a December birth. Happy Christmas in the Loosli house!

I had my first appointment here in Twin Falls this week. I am now being seen by the St. Luke’s OB/Gyn team and Dr. Packham. I really like him, but it is interesting adjusting to a new office and to new people so close to the end of my pregnancy. My doctor in Boise and I talked a lot about the transfer and what was best. He was kind enough to make several phone calls to prepare the team in Twin for my case (and, quite honestly, the care I expected to receive). 

There are no more cervical checks at this point and the babies will only be measured for growth once a month. I will still be monitored once a week and we will look at the babies, but it is very strange to me not to have an exact idea of their size from week to week. In many ways, I have been very spoiled with information up until now. Dr. Packham supports my goal of a vaginal birth as better for the babies. Twins are delivered in the OR no matter what, in case a C-section is needed. But, if one of the babies is head down, he and I would prefer we try for a vaginal birth first. 

30 Weeks: Update

Our completed preparations:  Baby room assembled, painted, and decorated. Cribs, car seats, stroller, rockers, changing table, swings, etc. are all ready to go. Clothes sorted and closet system installed. Diaper bag mostly packed. Bottles and breast pump ready. Childbirth class completed. Baby/Dog books read.

Still to do: Breastfeeding class and infant CPR. Crib mattresses and bedding need to be ordered. We purchased mini-cribs and we have to order special sized items and we want them to be natural/organic, which makes it harder to find. Go bag needs to be packed. Baby books (Happiest Baby on the Block, etc.) need to be finished.

Babies: Whereas Jackson has been head down in my pelvis almost the entire pregnancy, he has decided to move this week. William was ying to Jackson’s yang and was feet down and head up, but he has also moved. Right now they are both transverse across my belly (in opposite directions). So… if they don’t move (or at least one of them) then a vaginal birth is not an option.

Their movement has certainly increased in the last two weeks. They move all the time! My belly gets bumps and lumps as they roll around. At last measurement, which was almost three weeks ago, William was 2lbs 12oz and Jackson was 2lbs 8oz. They are certainly over 3lbs each by now, but I am really eager to see their next growth numbers. All of their heart rates, etc. look perfect. The docs have been really pleased.

What’s new: I am hungry all the time. I am a bottomless pit. 

How much weight have I gained: about 35-40 lbs

Symptoms: Acid reflux is under control with Nexium, but I have occasional flair-ups. No swelling so far. Back ache and hip pain (while sleeping mostly). Some Braxton-Hicks contractions when I am overly tired. (I think, anyway. Of course I have no idea how any of this is supposed to feel, so it is all guessing.) I am a baby inferno most of the day. I can’t keep my classroom cold enough. 

What I miss: Regular pants. Being comfortable. Walking fast. Heston.

My favorite thing: I found Christmas sleepers for the boys. They are about the cutest thing I can imagine.

What I am really grateful for: The chance to build our family. The support from all sides that we have experienced: work, family, friends, students. Having a house to prepare for our babies. No stretch marks yet. :)

Radio Silence

I apologize for the long delay in writing. In the immediate aftermath of losing Heston, much of my blogging silence was simply about pain. There was not much I could say except how much it hurt. To borrow again from Edna St. Vincent Millay, “time does not heal all wounds.” But it does lessen the pain.  As grief does, the wound eventually scabs over and begins to heal. 

Lately, it has been more acute. I am not sure if it is all of the baby preparations, or just all the pregnancy hormones, but I am in tears more now about our lost son than I was in many of the days after surgery. I am reminded each time I say “twins” how it is no longer three. I am not sure how to explain it, and to some it may seem unimaginable, but picturing and preparing for two boys now seems so very lonely.  One third of them is missing. In particular, I am worried about the birth. Our Heston must be born as well. By far, this is where most of my anxiety is centered. 

I have understood for a long time that men and women grieve differently. I also understood that mothers and fathers approached things differently. Experiencing these things for myself in my relationship with my husband has reminded me even more what a good man I married. I cannot brag enough on my husband. He has been such a rock and a comfort to me and to our boys. He takes care of me and of them each day when I am too tired to manage on my own.  He has worked hard on helping to get our house ready and he even thanks me for carrying our babies. While Brian feels the loss of our son, he, admittedly, was not as attached to his life as I am. He has said that he is sad, but far more grateful for the lives of our other two babies, and for my safety. He does not experience the pain of a mother, but he has not belittled it in any way. While allowing me my grief and sadness, he also reminds me to be grateful. And I am. Please do not think that I am not so unimaginably grateful and happy each time our two boy move inside me. It’s just that for some parts of some days, the wound in my heart hurts more than the joy can overcome. 

I think this is guilt. I feel guilty that my pregnancy has stabilized with two rather than three babies to carry. I am no longer considered high-risk and have been transferred to Twin Falls for care. I even feel guilty in buying a car and a stroller knowing that the difference between two and three influenced what we could afford to buy. Maybe it’s irrational. I just know that I would not have traded the life of my baby for the convenience of any of these things. Things are what they are. I know that.  Maybe it is that I really think that the loss of my son should be marked by things getting worse and not easier. Not that I want that. But the heart does not understand these distinctions. 

I don’t feel this way every day. Just some parts of some days.  And I’m still in the stage where, to me, forgetting any sadness means forgetting Heston.