Happy Uterus

Having made the decision to pursue embryo adoption, I made an appointment at the ICRM for a water ultrasound. This is an ultrasound that includes filling the uterus with water in order to get a clear picture of its lining and shape. This determines if there are any fibroids, cysts, or other negative findings, which would inhibit the ability to carry a pregnancy.

We both realized that this test is one of the make-it-or-break-it moments in our quest for a baby. If I am not able to carry a pregnancy for one reason or another, then embryo adoption is not a possibility. Then we would be back at square one. Which, for us, is nowhere.

Because I am in neck-deep in teaching school, the realities of this test were very much a worry, but not one that was consuming large portions of my time during the day. I have 180 students to do that for me. Mostly, I really tried not to get my hopes up. However, the weekend before my appointment was a different story. No school, no students, no papers to grade.

Just the test.

On a Monday.

Nerves, nerves, nerves. Not for him, of course. But, for me, definitely nerves. Questions, what ifs, and preparing for the worst. This is how I deal with stress.

Healthy, I know.

I had to take the day off from work in order to go and my mother-in-law accompanied me to the appointment, which was very nice. We spent far longer in the waiting room than we did during the actual procedure. The ultrasound was mildly uncomfortable and Dr. Slater very matter-of-fact. She quickly and efficiently did her scans and marked her areas. Upon review of the information, she said everything looks great and we can proceed whenever we find embryos that we want!

On this day there was no bad news, no tears, and no more nerves.

We had celebratory pumpkin cake and shared the news of a happy uterus. Thank the Lord!

Currently, we are on the waiting list in the Embryo Donation program and we are looking at profiles. There will be other tests involved and, as with any pregnancy, there are risks, questions, and what ifs. Those are things we will tackle later, if we are able to get pregnant. For now, we wait. We will not make a move toward transfer until we are certain about our jobs for next year.

However, we have this good news and the glow of new possibility brightens our days.

The Price of Hope

When sharing our recent discovery of the possibility of embryo adoption with family, one of our parents asked a really good question. She looked at me and said, “What if it doesn’t work? Are you going to be able to handle that?”

We need people to ask those questions. It keeps us grounded. But it reminds me that the price of hope is pain.

I know that there are those of you out there who have undergone fertility treatments and then have grown your family though adoption. Are we completely crazy to pursue this?

A Light in the Dark Place

Since posting our blog, we have had an overwhelming response from many of our friends and family. Along with the prayers and well-wishes have come advice and information. One of the options that a friend shared with us is embryo adoption. We had never heard of this and did not know that it even existed. Even though it seemed that we had closed the door on a pregnancy for me, all of a sudden it seemed as if a miracle option had appeared. Out of curiosity (and, I admit, a burning desire for a baby), I began to do some preliminary research.

What I found is that many families who chose to undergo IVF treatments are left with embryos that are frozen, and, for whatever reason, are not going to be implanted. Many parents find themselves in a moral quandary as to what to do. Do they destroy the embryos? Some consent to donation.

There are agencies available that facilitate matches between prospective adoptive couples and donors. Adoptive couples seeking embryos can also advertise or use word of mouth to seek out donors. Many of the sources that I found were donors who were seeking open adoptions where siblings could be raised near one another. We find this to be very far outside of our comfort zone and are not at all interested in such a situation.

Embryo adoption consists of matching with a donor and then the defrosting, transfer, and hopeful implantation of an embryo. The procedure itself requires only a few minutes and is less than half the cost of IVF because it does not include the retrieval and fertilization of the eggs. That step is already done. The quality, retrieval day, and the number of embryos all matter when considering adoption. Parent medical history, as well as a physical description, is often available.

Right away, I began to wonder if this could work for us. Out of the sadness and grief spawned from our circumstances and the reveal to our friends and family rose a new hope.

Because I wanted to know if I was a candidate for an embryo transfer, I called the ICRM to find out if they would be willing to perform the procedure, if we were to find a donor. When they returned my call, it was the coordinator of the embryo adoption program on the other line! Behold, our fertility clinic had its own program and we did not even know it! (There are several reasons for this- when we went in for our consultation, we were only interested in IUI and not IVF, which is what the embryo transfer would be considered. Because we did not want to even consider IVF, embryo adoption was not mentioned.)

Perk Number One: ICRM has its own program for embryo adoption and it is completely anonymous and closed to both parties.  

Perk Number Two: Because I have already had my evaluation, medical testing, and genetic screening, all that we would need to do is a water ultra sound to see if my uterus is capable of carrying a pregnancy, and a psychologist’s evaluation.  

Perk Number Three and my husband’s personal favorite: the ICRM does not charge a program or facilitation fee. You pay for the medical procedures only.  The cost of all of this is around $5,000 per implantation.

Perk Number Four: No fertility drugs needed. While I would have to go on estrogen, progesterone, birth control, and one other thing I cannot remember, I would not need the undergo the battery of fertility meds because we would not be trying to stimulate ovulation.  

Perk Number Five and then I promise I am done: If it works…

We could have a baby, an adoption, and a pregnancy.

If it works.

The Crippling Obstacle

When beginning the adoption process, overwhelming is the word of choice.

Infant, toddler, older child, waiting child, sibling groups, domestic, international, foster care, agency, private, trans racial--- the list goes on.  

As a couple, there are so many options and decisions to make. This, of course, is a good problem to have; however, to the newbies, it is so, so vast.  The amount of information is crushing unless you bite it off a chunk at a time.

Brian and I had to make several huge decisions: did we want a baby or an older child? For many reasons (my need for a baby and my job situation high on the list), we decided on a baby. 

Next: did we want domestic or international? At first, we looked only at domestic and then branched out to international. We became increasingly attracted to a sibling group from Haiti. However, the reality that I would have to quit my job in order to care for them brought that to a halt. I still would like to look at this in the future, but, for now, it is impossible. So, we decided on a domestic infant.

After that, we decided that we are open to any race, but not to any medical history. We are not willing to take infants whose mothers drank or did drugs. Smoking also scares us, but we have not entirely ruled it out.

We emailed and phoned every agency in Idaho and several in Utah. We looked at several international agencies. All-in-all it seemed like we were getting our items ready for a home study.

(I make it sound like we had certain decisions. More often than not, these were never settled matters. Some days we are certain, and others we most certainly are not. In retrospect, the line can be made straight, but its true path is a wandering one.)

And then comes the cost. We know what we want; now, how are we going to get it? A domestic infant adoption costs anywhere from $20,000-$50,000.

Yes, there is a tax credit, and yes there are grants. However, the tax credit has not been renewed and the grants are not guaranteed. We feel that we need to be prepared to take on the full debt load just in case things don’t work out.

And this is crushing.

Crippling.

Overwhelming. 

How can we be prepared to take on debt that is more than my yearly salary in order to have a child? Where will we get the money, and how can we afford to pay it off?

This is the decision we need to make. And the weight of it is defeating us.

On the Name

 In Homer’s Aeneid, Aeneas visits the underworld to seek advice from his father. He meets him in the fields of Elysium and looks out over the River Lethe in Hades.

Virgil, Aeneid Book 6. (trans. Day-Lewis):
"Now did Aeneas descry deep in a valley retiring, a wood, a secluded copse whose branches soughed in the wind, and the Lethe River drifting past the tranquil places. Hereabouts were flitting a multitude [of phantoms] without number . . . Aeneas moved by the sudden sight, asked in his ignorance what it might mean, what was that river over there and all that crowd of people swarming along its banks. Then [the ghost of] his father, Anchises said:--`They are the souls who are destined for Reincarnation; and now at Lethe's stream they are drinking the waters that quench man's troubles, the deep draught of oblivion… They come in crowds to the river Lethe, so that you see, with memory washed out they may revisit the earth above.'"

Most people don’t realize that there are five rivers in the underworld: 

·         Lethe-the river of forgetfulness

·         Styx - the river of hate and oaths

·         Akheron - the river of sorrow or woe

·         Kokytos - the river of lamentation

·         Phlegethon - the river of fire

According to the Aeneid, each spirit worthy of reincarnation must first be dipped in the river Lethe in order to forget their previous life. In Greek, lethe means "oblivion", "forgetfulness", or "concealment.”

Lethe is also personified as a woman, the goddess of forgetfulness and oblivion. She is depicted in the picture above.

Ah, drink again
This river that is the taker-away of pain,
And the giver-back of beauty!

 

In these cool waves
What can be lost?—
Only the sorry cost
Of the lovely thing, ah, never the thing itself!

The level flood that laves
The hot brow
And the stiff shoulder
Is at our temples now.

Gone is the fever,
But not into the river;
Melted the frozen pride,
But the tranquil tide
Runs never the warmer for this,
Never the colder.

Immerse the dream.
Drench the kiss.
Dip the song in the stream.
           -Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Lethe"

To drink oblivion. To erase all memory.  To bathe in forgetfulness.

How else do you move on?

Adoption

They say the first stage of adoption is loss.

The birth parents are coping with the loss of their child.

The adoptive parents are, perhaps, coping with the loss of having their own biological child and also having to help the adoptive child, sometime or other, navigate the loss of his or her birth parents. 

I read somewhere (on a blog, I think) that if adoption was your second choice, you should not adopt. This pisses me off. There is not first and second choice when it comes to children. There is only one- love them. We just don’t get to choose to love our own. 

Adoption is not our second choice; it is our only choice.