Genetic and Adoptive Counseling

The counseling appointment was by far the biggest fear that we had in getting started. After solving a number of scheduling difficulties and taking time off of work, we set out for Boise to meet with a counselor. We needed her approval in order to proceed with our transfer.  We felt nervous because we did not know what to expect and were prepared for a very evaluative session. 

In reality, she was very nice and very helpful. It was far more informative than evaluative. She herself had two donor children, which put me at ease. I felt more comfortable talking to someone that I felt had a platform of actual experience. She asked about our infertility and our journey to get there. I cried. Brian didn’t. Of course. 

She asked about our profile choice. On this issue, she was the most aggressive and I felt uncomfortable at first. I felt that I had to justify our choice and explain the medical realities to her. Wasn’t she a doctor? Why would she make us feel bad about this? There wasn’t a problem that no one told us about, right?

I realized later that she just really needed to make sure that we understood our choice, and that no one had lied or pressured us into it.

She gave us a packet of information and explained that the issues of raising donor children are very different than the issues with raising adopted children. We explained that we will have the policy of full disclosure with our children- they will know they are adopted. Secrets are not something we approve of, especially not in regards to where you come from. She agreed and said that this is the preference in the adoptive world now. 

She explained that adopted children struggle with identity. They wonder who they are and why their birth parents did not want them. Donor children differ because they were not given up after birth and do not struggle with wondering how their birth parents could give them away when they carried them, birthed them, knew them. Donor children struggle with genetic identity. Who are they genetically? Are there siblings out there somewhere?

This was one factor that had escaped our preparations. While we both figured it would have occurred to us as some point, it was the one new thing that we took from our meeting with the counselor. Our children will have full siblings somewhere in the world. 

This takes on a complicated reality.

What happens when our kids go to get married and/or have sex? They could unknowingly be in a relationship with a blood relative of some sort. And asking is not enough. Some people lie. Some parents will never tell their IVF kids that they donated embryos. Our children's partners could have no idea.

Our children will need to undergo genetic screening with sexual partners. Wow. We were not quite prepared for that one.