2012: A Year in Review

Another year gone. It seems the older we get the faster it goes. I turned 30 this year. I am finishing my ninth year teaching. There have been moments of joy and grand times with friends and family. But, overall, 2012 has been a tough year for our family. We were hoping this Christmas to be able to share the news of a baby. That was not in the cards for us and it weighs heavily on my heart.

I have found this year to be one of the most difficult of my young life. While I understand that my first-world problems are nothing in comparison to millions in this world, I have found myself experiencing extreme lows in my professional and personal life.   Rarely have I felt so helpless or without value.

The situation at our job compounds the problem. What was once a dream is frayed around the edges. There is no mentoring and not enough time. The kids are still great. They are my daily reminder that there is hope in this world. And humor. They can feel it though, too. They feel the pressure and the stress. They feel the dream fading. And they are waiting to see if our school makes it. As we are.

It is a paralyzing uncertainty.

Feeling in limbo makes it hardest. Brian and I have reflected a lot together on what it is that makes this journey most painful. By far it is that we feel unable to move forward.

We should know in February one way or another. We have been talking a lot about what we will do if our jobs go away. We will move. Start over. Where a kid fits into that is a mystery. People don’t understand. They tell me to just move forward anyway. As if a job means nothing. Or a house. Or insurance. Or a paycheck.

Control freak I am. But I hope not a fool.  If we have jobs, then we will move forward. As soon as we find embryos, we will start the year 2013 in the hope of it being a year far better than the last.