Sunday, September 9, 2012

On the Name


 In Homer’s Aeneid, Aeneas visits the underworld to seek advice from his father. He meets him in the fields of Elysium and looks out over the River Lethe in Hades.
Virgil, Aeneid Book 6. (trans. Day-Lewis):
"Now did Aeneas descry deep in a valley retiring, a wood, a secluded copse whose branches soughed in the wind, and the Lethe River drifting past the tranquil places. Hereabouts were flitting a multitude [of phantoms] without number . . . Aeneas moved by the sudden sight, asked in his ignorance what it might mean, what was that river over there and all that crowd of people swarming along its banks. Then [the ghost of] his father, Anchises said:--`They are the souls who are destined for Reincarnation; and now at Lethe's stream they are drinking the waters that quench man's troubles, the deep draught of oblivion… They come in crowds to the river Lethe, so that you see, with memory washed out they may revisit the earth above.'"
Most people don’t realize that there are five rivers in the underworld: 
·         Lethe-the river of forgetfulness
·         Styx - the river of hate and oaths
·         Akheron - the river of sorrow or woe
·         Kokytos - the river of lamentation
·         Phlegethon - the river of fire
According to the Aeneid, each spirit worthy of reincarnation must first be dipped in the river Lethe in order to forget their previous life. In Greek, lethe means "oblivion", "forgetfulness", or "concealment.”
Lethe is also personified as a woman, the goddess of forgetfulness and oblivion. She is depicted in the picture above.

Ah, drink again
This river that is the taker-away of pain,
And the giver-back of beauty!
 
In these cool waves
What can be lost?—
Only the sorry cost
Of the lovely thing, ah, never the thing itself!

The level flood that laves
The hot brow
And the stiff shoulder
Is at our temples now.

Gone is the fever,
But not into the river;
Melted the frozen pride,
But the tranquil tide
Runs never the warmer for this,
Never the colder.

Immerse the dream.
Drench the kiss.
Dip the song in the stream.
           -Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Lethe"

To drink oblivion. To erase all memory.  To bathe in forgetfulness.
How else do you move on?

Adoption


They say the first stage of adoption is loss.

The birth parents are coping with the loss of their child.

The adoptive parents are, perhaps, coping with the loss of having their own biological child and also having to help the adoptive child, sometime or other, navigate the loss of his or her birth parents. 

I read somewhere (on a blog, I think) that if adoption was your second choice, you should not adopt. This pisses me off. There is not first and second choice when it comes to children. There is only one- love them. We just don’t get to choose to love our own. 

Adoption is not our second choice; it is our only choice.

Teen Pregnancy- The Bane of My Existence


Every year several of my former students get pregnant sometime in their high school experience. This always makes my heart sad. I am sad for their lost childhood and for their lost innocence. But I am mostly sad for the child that will be brought into this world with a parent (hopefully, but rarely, two parents) who may or may not be old enough to drive. 

I am always frustrated with this development. It is one thing to make your own decisions as a person. Sleeping around comes with its own consequences for your body and spirit. It is the involvement of another human life in the mix that bothers me so much. That baby does not have a choice. And one careless moment can impact the life of that kid forever. It is not fair.

Now more than ever, I feel that it is not fair. These kids and these people can just pop out more children than they want or can care for. 

But I can’t. I  have to submit piles of paperwork and have someone evaluate whether or not I am a good parent. And, on top of all of this, I will have to pay to get a child.

I am in the dark place.


I won’t always be bitter, but I am right now. I resent people discussing their cute, fat babies. I resent cute, pregnant women. I resent conversations at lunch about all of the adorable grandchildren. I resent baby showers and baby aisles and strollers and facebook pictures. I am angry, but, most of all, I am so incredibly sad.

I saw a poster the other day and it said “Babies are a Gift from God”.  Honestly, it made me want to throw my dishes across the room. Of course, babies are a gift. But, according to the philosophy of the poster, they are just not a gift that God will give to us. 

I want to scream when someone mentions us having kids.  They don’t know; of course, they don’t know.  But why can’t they leave me alone??

When people tell me it will all work out, I want to punch them in the face. 

 If one more person tells me that our infertility is part of God’s plan, I will blow a blood vessel and they will cart me off to the asylum. 

Let me be perfectly clear. I am not going to punch people. I just smile, nod, and hide my pain.

But, saying “it will all work out” to someone who is going through a crisis negates their suffering and trivializes their pain. Of course it will all work out. I am not going to drop dead simply because I am infertile. However, that does not mean that it will all work out for the better. It does not mean that I am not incredibly sad.  It will work out one way or another. It might turn out okay and it might not. I am well aware of that. It keeps me up at night and it absolutely is not what I need to hear from every person who finds out about our situation.

Don’t assume that our childlessness is easily solved. Don’t tell us that God has planned for this. He didn’t. The failures and destruction of our bodies, his creation, are not part of His plan. That does not mean that He will not meet us in our suffering, but he certainly did not intend for it. God does not plan for pain and he does not plan for loss.



(I warn my students about the dangers of the pronoun you in their writing. Who is this you? Is it me? Is it all readers? It sometimes carries with it an accusatory tone.  You should do this, etc.  I tell them to avoid the second person at all costs. It is unnecessary in academic writing. I try to avoid using it as well. I am going to make an exception. For all of you that do these things, this is for you.)

The Death of the Inevitability


It is better that both of us are unable to have kids. It makes the burden easier to bear.  There is no blame or shame. However, I have had a much harder time dealing with it than Brian. He came to terms with the discovery of his infertility very early in our journey. He couldn’t have kids and that was it.

I have only recently had to give up the remaining hope that I had for a baby. My husband could not have kids, but that did not mean that we couldn’t still have a baby, right? I looked at it as adoption from birth. We would adopt some sperm and I could give my husband the opportunity to be a father. I wanted him to be able to hold our baby. And it would be our baby. But, after discovering the impossibility of having a pregnancy because of my own infertility, I still have to come to terms with giving up those dreams.

I find changing my thinking and my hopes to be the hardest thing. There were many places and activities that held the aura of possibility for me. The maternity section at Target. The shirt in my closet that would look adorable over a baby bump. The giant bag of pre-natal vitamins stuffed in my closet. 

I will catch myself beginning a thought about a baby or a pregnancy and having to sever it. There is no longer the “When we have kids…”  preface to a conversation.
People have always used this phrase on us. Ever since we were married, even really early on, people and family would begin phrases with “When you have kids…” or  ask us “When are you having kids?”

Apparently, the art of procreation is an eventuality for every couple. In our experience, in our area, having children is inevitable.  It didn’t bother me before because I always had a choice and we had time. We would have kids and they would finally stop pestering me.

But now there is no choice.

 And. It. Does. Bother. Me.

I have been denied the basic biological imperative of all creatures upon the planet- reproduction.