The Death of the Inevitability

It is better that both of us are unable to have kids. It makes the burden easier to bear.  There is no blame or shame. However, I have had a much harder time dealing with it than Brian. He came to terms with the discovery of his infertility very early in our journey. He couldn’t have kids and that was it.

I have only recently had to give up the remaining hope that I had for a baby. My husband could not have kids, but that did not mean that we couldn’t still have a baby, right? I looked at it as adoption from birth. We would adopt some sperm and I could give my husband the opportunity to be a father. I wanted him to be able to hold our baby. And it would be our baby. But, after discovering the impossibility of having a pregnancy because of my own infertility, I still have to come to terms with giving up those dreams.

I find changing my thinking and my hopes to be the hardest thing. There were many places and activities that held the aura of possibility for me. The maternity section at Target. The shirt in my closet that would look adorable over a baby bump. The giant bag of pre-natal vitamins stuffed in my closet. 

I will catch myself beginning a thought about a baby or a pregnancy and having to sever it. There is no longer the “When we have kids…”  preface to a conversation.

People have always used this phrase on us. Ever since we were married, even really early on, people and family would begin phrases with “When you have kids…” or  ask us “When are you having kids?”

Apparently, the art of procreation is an eventuality for every couple. In our experience, in our area, having children is inevitable.  It didn’t bother me before because I always had a choice and we had time. We would have kids and they would finally stop pestering me.

But now there is no choice.

 And. It. Does. Bother. Me.

I have been denied the basic biological imperative of all creatures upon the planet- reproduction.