The Beginning

Things happened very quickly from there. When we notified the clinic that we would like the donor profile and the 14 embryos it contained placed on hold for us, they immediately set up a medication regiment and tentative transfer day. 

We were shocked! From the time we chose our profile, it would only be six weeks until the transfer of our embryos. 

Barring any complications, of course.

Genetic and Adoptive Counseling

The counseling appointment was by far the biggest fear that we had in getting started. After solving a number of scheduling difficulties and taking time off of work, we set out for Boise to meet with a counselor. We needed her approval in order to proceed with our transfer.  We felt nervous because we did not know what to expect and were prepared for a very evaluative session. 

In reality, she was very nice and very helpful. It was far more informative than evaluative. She herself had two donor children, which put me at ease. I felt more comfortable talking to someone that I felt had a platform of actual experience. She asked about our infertility and our journey to get there. I cried. Brian didn’t. Of course. 

She asked about our profile choice. On this issue, she was the most aggressive and I felt uncomfortable at first. I felt that I had to justify our choice and explain the medical realities to her. Wasn’t she a doctor? Why would she make us feel bad about this? There wasn’t a problem that no one told us about, right?

I realized later that she just really needed to make sure that we understood our choice, and that no one had lied or pressured us into it.

She gave us a packet of information and explained that the issues of raising donor children are very different than the issues with raising adopted children. We explained that we will have the policy of full disclosure with our children- they will know they are adopted. Secrets are not something we approve of, especially not in regards to where you come from. She agreed and said that this is the preference in the adoptive world now. 

She explained that adopted children struggle with identity. They wonder who they are and why their birth parents did not want them. Donor children differ because they were not given up after birth and do not struggle with wondering how their birth parents could give them away when they carried them, birthed them, knew them. Donor children struggle with genetic identity. Who are they genetically? Are there siblings out there somewhere?

This was one factor that had escaped our preparations. While we both figured it would have occurred to us as some point, it was the one new thing that we took from our meeting with the counselor. Our children will have full siblings somewhere in the world. 

This takes on a complicated reality.

What happens when our kids go to get married and/or have sex? They could unknowingly be in a relationship with a blood relative of some sort. And asking is not enough. Some people lie. Some parents will never tell their IVF kids that they donated embryos. Our children's partners could have no idea.

Our children will need to undergo genetic screening with sexual partners. Wow. We were not quite prepared for that one.

A Change is Coming

Currently we are pursuing changes in many areas. We are looking at buying a new house with some property. We have no idea if this will go through, but we are hoping! We have emails in to several places about private adoptions. Honestly, this is where I feel most powerless. I have no idea what to do next.

And, in bigger news, we have a hold on some embryos with the ICRM. We found a profile several months ago that we were interested in, but we needed to clarify some medical questions before feeling comfortable with the selection. After talking with a dear friend and medical professional, as well as with a genetic counselor, and our fertility doctor, our fears were assuaged. Which means that there is no reason to hold off. We found some embryos!

There are several more pre-transfer cycle tests that need to be done on me before we can start outlining an embryo transfer schedule. We have to make a couple of trips to Boise for a psychologist’s evaluation as well as some blood tests.  But, things are happening.  

Brian remarked on how much better he feels just being able to proceed with something. I agree, but I am still worried. There is a huge margin for failure here. I find myself hoping and it scares me. I am ready, but what if it doesn’t work?

Decision

Our jobs will still be here next year! Even so, we find ourselves deciding whether or not to move. Idaho does not pay well for teachers. For several months we have job searched and looked at towns and cities as possible homes.

We don’t really want to move, but some days it feels as if a fresh start would be nice. Mostly we feel that way during the tough weeks. And then we feel better about things and change our minds.  Right now it looks as if we are staying here.

Which means we can move forward.

Failed Adoption

In very early January, we heard about a baby that might need a home. Instantly my hopes ballooned. Brian said it was the first time he had really seen me smile in months. He was afraid for me. I tried, and failed miserably, to reign in my growing sense of possibility. My mistake. To make a very painful experience a short story, there was never really much of a chance that this family would give their baby to us. But I was ready! Ready to jump on a plane and change our lives forever. When they gave the baby to someone else, I was crushed.

It is nobody’s fault and we hold no grudge. Everyone needs to do what is right for their family. However, it was a learning experience in both good and bad ways. I need to guard my heart. Nonetheless, I also realized that someone out there might one day give us a baby. It wasn’t this one. But our baby is out there.  Right?

2012: A Year in Review

Another year gone. It seems the older we get the faster it goes. I turned 30 this year. I am finishing my ninth year teaching. There have been moments of joy and grand times with friends and family. But, overall, 2012 has been a tough year for our family. We were hoping this Christmas to be able to share the news of a baby. That was not in the cards for us and it weighs heavily on my heart.

I have found this year to be one of the most difficult of my young life. While I understand that my first-world problems are nothing in comparison to millions in this world, I have found myself experiencing extreme lows in my professional and personal life.   Rarely have I felt so helpless or without value.

The situation at our job compounds the problem. What was once a dream is frayed around the edges. There is no mentoring and not enough time. The kids are still great. They are my daily reminder that there is hope in this world. And humor. They can feel it though, too. They feel the pressure and the stress. They feel the dream fading. And they are waiting to see if our school makes it. As we are.

It is a paralyzing uncertainty.

Feeling in limbo makes it hardest. Brian and I have reflected a lot together on what it is that makes this journey most painful. By far it is that we feel unable to move forward.

We should know in February one way or another. We have been talking a lot about what we will do if our jobs go away. We will move. Start over. Where a kid fits into that is a mystery. People don’t understand. They tell me to just move forward anyway. As if a job means nothing. Or a house. Or insurance. Or a paycheck.

Control freak I am. But I hope not a fool.  If we have jobs, then we will move forward. As soon as we find embryos, we will start the year 2013 in the hope of it being a year far better than the last.